Irony of comparing

I found it to be a profound irony that i was feeling let down and left out with respect to people whom i dont or i dont even care.

its an irony that i talk about high impact area, must have area and nice to have area, and then go on to compare or look towards people who are not even concerned where they are and what they are working towards. for them just the fact that they are growing to different levels and being well paid is good enough. i dont know if i have cynical view of the people or have constructed a different reality around myself.

may be its bit of both, have to talk to people and see what they think especially the people whom i think fall into that category. understanding them may be will help me understand myself better. But may be not, how does others think about you had never been the benchmark i was striving towards, then suddenly dont know why i am talking about understanding them. confusion galore @#$@#.

i guess time to just let go of negative emotions and feel good about what one has. offcourse the feeling will be there but being clear of what one seeks is the second step. the first step was when you started thinking. this is a journey, will have its ups and lows, will have its potholes and joyrides, will have its speed brakers and no speed limit zones. Its time to take things with a pinch of salt, and move on.

it is always a beautiful day, no matter what you may think or believe or feel. live with this thought and one would always happy.

World will not change

The thing that was bothering me is clearer now. The world wont change if dont come to office or not work on the ideas i put my heart and soul into. Thats what has been bothering me so much. thats what makes a hell of a difference to me i guess.

"One should strive to be the best in what one does and what work one does should be good by my standards. " Thats been my motto all along.

But i realize that it is incomplete. I have to change it to

"One should work in the core of any organization and then strive to be the best in what one does."

In a company, there are always high impact areas, the must have areas and the nice to have areas. There would potential must have areas that could become high impact in near future because of the people involved or because of the strategy of company. i always believe one should work for oneself and not for the company or organization. While working for oneself, one seeks satisfaction. the satisfaction does come from good work that would be the type of work one thinks is good. But this satisfaction is temporary, its a myth and like a spell. it would only be broken when the work gets done and the world doesnot change.

Thats what has been bothering me for so long, struggle to find what i wanted. Thats what i always wanted deep down but some how never got a chance to be in that position. Its essential to be identify a high impact area of the organization. Ideally it should be an area if it seizes to exist for the company, it impacts the whole organization. Offcourse there would always be must have areas for the company too. these would be future strategies, safe gaurds against a changing economy and possible high impacts of tomorrow. and then there would all those nice to have areas which are good if they give some returns and its still ok if they are not there tomorrow.

i realize now that for me its so very important to be in the core or high impact of the organization. being part of such an area, the effort, mind and soul that goes into work would worth its weight in gold. and satisfaction guarenteed.

the must have area also great areas to work for, they could become core some day. But one has to watch out carefully all the time. If the wind blows a different direction, one has to recognize that and shouldnt look the other way. Instead one should face the wind and move, move forward, move backward but definite move. any movements should be towards the other must have areas or if possible the current high impact area itself.

for me i have been working in nice to have areas or potential must have or to a must have area. Never in an high impact and thats what makes me go through these highs and lows in work.

lets see if things change, i know what to look for now.

Being Emotional

Mood is better, things to work towards are clearer and the pain has been pushed back;
In the back alleys of my mind it must wander for sometime before it can strike again;

Live life for oneself but love some one dear,
it brings a completeness to ones soul not felt before;

time is a great healer and experience a great teacher,
heal, learn but do enjoy as life is a darling and honest dear.

ideas, concepts and problems bring joy around
keep working on them till you let down.

then rise again to move forward as
its in moving on that one lives and
staying on that one dies.

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just felt like writing it down as if i am writing a poem.

gotta go, be back soon.

Paradox

i don't know why, since the last time i wrote here my mood has become somber. i get extreme pleasure in working on ideas, and thats how the mood was till 2 days back

then all of a sudden i start wondering about my life and my career and questions like where i am and where i am going start to make me seem out of place and out of order. yeah i know things are not that bad, but dont know something is not right.

i get a feeling that i have been in place for too long, a change would do wonders but then i look at what i have done and i feel i need to learn more and make myself more stronger in fundamentals. i start wondering what i was doing in my initial years of my career. i took the condition of sticking to what i like too early, should have tried more and experimented more, should have changed jobs. Now i am stuck with this shit hole. I know its not good to think like this as any thing and everything starts to feel miserable after that. But if i look around and see people growing (not in my terms of growth) but in terms of organization career and renumerations they get, it pains somewhere deep down. its not jealousy or envy towards them, they are growing and its good for them, but it leaves a feeling of being left out and not being good enough.

i gave a thought about what i want to do, and things seem to be planned out. I just have to be a little bit more patient and keep working and enjoying. As said focus on keeping the wanting and having to be together and one would be happy, but the struggle of being left out hurts.

Emotions take over rational, feelings take over logic, and sadness takes over happiness.

And Life goes on...

Overloaded

Sometimes i get so engrossed in finding solution to a problem that everything else is just not noticed. I had been working on concept paper, where i want to define and explain some ideas that i had. At times i feel, it is easy to think of an idea, but very difficult to put it down on paper to explain to people. Essentially you would have to consider all the possiblities, weigh the pros and cons of the idea, define the process in which the idea would be benefitial. The whole process is quite taxing but having an environment of peers whom you are able to share it and who add value to the whole process tend to make the process a lot less simpler.

Thats what i have been struggling with these days, having to think of all possible angles for the current concept. I guess i have learnt the hard way about being thorough while sharing the concepts. Even though i am able to discuss with R and the process itself is quite invigorating, i still have put it down myself and thats taking quite some toll.

I was heard talking in my sleep last night, though my roommates tell me that its happened before also. I find it really strange that one is able to dream and even talk about things during sleep, yet not recollect any thing on waking up. I still dont what i was dreaming about but its remembrance leaves me mixed emotions.

I am little relaxed today, a breakthrough in thought process itself has helped me look at the concept in different view and hence things seem to be falling into place.

I didnt get time to read H2G2, and weekend is already planned out. I guess monday would be another new week and the process of bringing together of have to and want to will continue.

Having and Wanting

There is always a struggle between things that one has to do and one wants to do. If one manages to get both these objectives aligned in their everyday life, life would definitely be more enjoyable.

I was cursing myself the other day for not being cheerful and happy. Some where the having and wanting were getting apart for past few months. the good part is that i felt the difference before they could have moved away from each other. The effort to bring these two parts together has taken some time. As reflects from the fact that i am back to blogging and reading regularly, and still meeting my deadlines and work schedules. There are still somethings to be sorted out but its working.

I finished reading "The Red Carpet", what invigorated me was the writer's ability to capture snapshot of the people's life thru the short stories. All the stories are based in Bangalore and the sense of belonging towards this city made me nostalgic about my times here. Off course the city has changed from the times i have been here, but the short stories really made me see that side of bangalore that i used to like or still like. The main theme of the most of the stories is the changing face of india especially bangalore. The initial ones are ok, but the two i liked the most of had a similar theme of bond between parents and children even in this new new world if i may call it. First one was about the daughter of an american indian coming back just to find how things have changed, but still valueing her relationship with her dad and how she has the choice, while the second one touched the theme of an america educated daughter coming back only to realize underline connection between her mother and herself. Though none of the stories had a definite ending or for that matter a begining also, they were true to the definition of snapshot into life of the characters.

Some how my collection of books in increasing at a faster pace then my ability to finish reading them. Moreover my mood swings also affect what i read, i started reading "A Farewell to Arms" but then left it mid way, same has happened to "Who says Elephant can't dance". Finally just with the mood i picked up "Hitch Hiker's Guide to Galaxy". I had bought this omnibus quite some time back but as it happens with most of the my books, i could only start reading it now. I definitely found it to be an extremely entertaining book. One of the first things you get to know in this book is why the internet translation tool was named "Babel Fish" cause Babel Fish is actually a fish that goes into ones ear and lives on brainwave radiation from every source but its host. It then excretes energy in the form of exactly the correct brainwaves needed by its host to understand what was just said. In layman terms it translates any language of the galaxy to the one you would understand. So our hero Arthur Dent gets his babel fish one from his guide, the roving reporter of the H2G2, Ford Prefect.

Since i just started can't say how it may end, but i am hopeful.

Back after a while

its been a long time, some how the routine of my life had caught me with in its web. Though i shouldn't complain for this web that lies around me today, writing my thoughts down had been a fulfilling experience and i missed it.

So i decided to revive my blog, i told it to "rise from ashes" and hold me from the scruff of my neck for being away so long. Initially it behaved like a mistress whom i had forgotten as it tried to wrestle me around asking me to remember the strange code word to our agreement. the code word that granted me the access, that verified me to be rightful owner, and the one that gave a faith to the mistress that i am here to stay.

Where do i begin, its a been an boring to hectic last one year. i let my work affect me so much that couldnt give time to things i loved, reading and blogging. It took a while for me to figure out that life would go on, but one has to enjoy it to make most of it.

i sound philosophical about it but its true. I had done quite a few fictional readings lately, of people and their daily life. Rohingstone Mistry's two books "A Fine Balance" and "Such a long journey" and currently reading "My Farewell to Arms" from Ernest Hemingway and "The Red Carpet" (a book of short stories about people in city of bangalore, dont remember the author right now).

All of these really made me wonder that life will always keep going on, one has to just make the most of it.

Ok time's up, have to rush for a meeting now but will keep visiting this space of mine. It is the non judgemental part of my life, and i better be faithful to it. It would not ask questions but only listen.