time to write again...

have to take some days off now...its been a long time and work really gets to nerve at times...i talk about the routiness but its something not just in work....

let me just list down 5 things i want to do...

1 Start my own company - this is something i questioned quite a lot about...after all why do i want to do this...just to satisfy the creativity of my thought came the reply...oh in that case be careful my mind told my heart...as Amitabh once said so well...creative people should only concentrate on creative aspects and leave the rest to professionals...thats what i would do one day...

2 Write a book - i am not sure if i am good writer or not but will definitely try a hand at it...its such a powerful medium....

3 Read all my stack of books - i am an impulsive buyer of books but a slow reader of them...

4 Bungee Jumping - Wasnt in town when it happened bangalore...wouldnt have missed it for a thing...will do it next time...

5 Go to gym regularily - want to do this for a long time...its been off and on...i love my jog on the tread mill...its so peaceful...i am with myself...will definitely try to that regularily...

i feel if i have written it down now...anything else that happens around me should not really effect me...should it? as its not on my list...well over a period of time i would review this list and add few items or remove some...but i would try to remind myself on this...

the individual....

is it really true that there is no such thing as individual in our way of life...

oh no not again..some one may say...but thats wat i tell such people...how many ask themselves this question...try it urself...

Why do i do what i do?

well when i think of these 7 words i just dont know where to start and where to end...do i really know this...but then why do i want to know this...whats the problem with my life that i have think such imaginary things and try to find meaning in everything i am doing...

but thats where i question...if you dont know what u are doing..then why are u doing it...why?

atleast one should think on this...the thought would make u see things in a different way...today i am much more calm and serene and feel much in control...not because i know the answer but because i do live to a certain degree on my own choices....

this itself brings such a peace in me...makes me at ease with my surroundings...thats what i guess is the esense of being an individual...i have not left my job or my relationships...i still go to office every day and work with people....i still live in a way bound by obligations and relations and commitments...

but if u ask me i would still say i am free some where inside me...thats what is the challenge and thats what is the reward...being amidst the every day life and still smile about it...able to see it from the higher ground or from the 3rd person account really makes u see what u are doing...once u are able to do it then i guess its easier for one to look at urself and ask what does this one want...

i may rant about the whole thing about the individual and its way of life...but we still have to meet the societical commitments somewhere...thats where the whole crux actually is...being part and yet being out of it...being involved and yet being unemotional...

i try...i try..hope to reach a balance and make others see it also...

Destiny...

is it really true..what i do today and tomorrow gets decided somewhere else...

this is something i really find it hard to come to terms with...i used to feel that all my life things seems to just happen to me...and i just happen to be there and hence i ended being a engineering...i happen to be there so i ended being a software guy in bangalore (another one of those guys)...but then what about the times i decided to work and not study..did that not make sense that its was my decision and my choice...

well thats what i guess i have come to realize...its something i tell myself...and try to follow so wouldnt say have been following it..as said try to follow..life is meant to be lead by choices, choices that are sometimes seem to be ones own...but i look back at those so called choices and question...was it really what i wanted to do at that time...hind sight i guess...but truely the way things work in our society and environment i dont think we really make own choices...

when i look back now i really see that there isnt much i had really decided or choosen for my self..everything seem to follow...everything seems guided and told...what else do u want was the question always if i want to rebel...isnt how one should be leading one's life i was told...

but then being alone makes u realize somethings amiss..thats what actually hit me couple of years back...

that was i guess one of the turning points for me..i realized that there wasnt any thing which i wanted for myself....desiring things for oneself and providing satisfaction for myself the lone individual that i was...wasnt something i was taught to do...being selfish is not a greatest of the virtues i was told...but being individual is not same as being selfish...by being individualistic you are just loving urself also as you love some one else...you do things which u as an individual would like to do...and hence make urself take consious choices...its very difficult not easy in the begining but very intoxicating...

now i do things that i want to do..not because the environment or the society or the people around me want me to do...i am not being selfish in this i tell them i am being myself...

so was this my destiny then...thats where i see the conflict coming in as its not always that u make these consious choices...

but then even if i dont if there is destiny or not...i do live by own laws...laws that i as the individual formed for my happiness not fun...so in that way some day i will be able to tell myself i defined my own destiny....